Quaich Shocker! Team USA's Guvna Is Out With Injury

BREAKING NEWS

Former U.S.A. Captain Chris “Guvna” Hughes (0-2 as Captain) will not be participating in the 2024 Quaich after suffering a full proximal hamstring avulsion on the ski slopes of Steamboat in Colorado.

In a prepared statement released this morning, Guvna said,

Steamboat Ski Patrol

"As you may know, I had a skiing accident earlier this month, and sustained serious injury that will prevent me from participating in the Quaich in June. This situation is my fault, and it's obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I'm human and I'm not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn't happen again. This is a private matter and I want to keep it that way. Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible. The only person responsible for the accident is me. My wife, Pam, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble. She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false. I will continue to focus on my recovery and family, and thank everyone for the overwhelming support and encouragement I’ve received throughout this very difficult time."

Specifics of the horrific skiing accident have not been shared by the intensely private Guvna; however, Internet sleuths and interested Quaich fans have uncovered some details.

John “Pink” Floyd of the Steamboat Ski Patrol triaged the scene and loaded Guvna on a rescue toboggan near the Rendezvous Lodge. “He was cryin’ like a little bitch and in shock,” said Pink. “He kept mumbling about needing a hug from some guy named Wee Mikey.”

Like all members of Team USA, Guvna has a “hazardous activities clause” in his player contract that, during Quaich calendar years, prevents him from “engaging in any sport or activity that a reasonable person would recognize as involving or exposing the participant to a substantial risk of bodily injury including, but not limited to, motorcycling, skydiving, skiing, bungee jumping and the Triceratops sex position.“

Guvna recuperating

The task of replacing Guvna, who was undefeated in the 2022 Quaich in Florida, falls upon USA Captain Brian “Goombay” Farley. “What was he thinking by getting on skis three months before the Quaich?” said Goombay. “And what is the Triceratops sex position?”

“I don’t git where Guv’s head was at,” said James “Sheets” Moreland. “I don’t even walk too much in the six months before the Quaich cuz I might pull sumpin’.” 

“It’s not much of a loss, is it?” said Ian “Big Man” MacCallum of Team Scotland. “To be fair, a one-legged Glaswegian midget with a diet of only Irn Bru and crisps would have a better record than Guvna on true links.” Guvna is 4 – 6 – 2 when playing in Scotland.

Guvna underwent reconstructive surgery this week near his home in Austin, Texas. “I started with an incision to dissect his gluteal fascia,” said Dr. Sanjay Dwarakanath of Ascension Seton Medical Center. “This provided easy access to his substantial gluteus maximus muscle. But I took great care to hide the scar in Mr. Hughe’s gluteal fold per his wishes.”

Guvna will have 3 – 6 months of recovery and rehabilitation ahead of him. Those Quaich teammates who are closest to Guvna are still processing their feelings at the news of his withdrawal. “Next man up!” said Eric “Swayze” Silagy.

Quaich fans captured a video of Guvna being transported off the mountain after sustaining his injuries. Warning: Contains Disturbing Images That May Be Traumatizing To Some Audiences